So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer…
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: — What, have you never seen a naked woman before? — That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell…
But they only became more sluggish
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”. Like I was supposed to know the name.
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
BANG BANG BANG
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
One day Canada will take over the world…
Then you'll all be sorry!
English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
A nun is in the bath
Shes hears a knock on the door and a man says "can i come in". "who are you?" she asks nervously. "Im the blind man" he replies. "Oh well in that case come in" she says relieved. The man walks in. "Nice tits" he says "Now where shall I hang these blinds?"
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
My wife is really annoyed at my sense of direction.
So i packed up my things and right
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped…
I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands…
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien 👽 (Illuminati theme song playin')
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
How often should columns be connected at the top?
Just a lintel bit of the time
I just said “No comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn't get the job.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, “Donald, duck!”