When you were right the whole time
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
Which US president was least guilty?
Lincoln. Cause he was in a cent.
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because a moon rock is a little meteor
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs…
I pleaded, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
I was sitting in a bar lastnight…
When the bartender yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said back, "CPR? I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed, except this one guy.
Neighbor’s Sign On Front Door: “No Visitors.”
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
A Viking named Rudolph the Red looks outside, then tells his wife “It’s going to rain”…
Wife asks "Why do you think that?" He replies "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear…" (Not mine, my dad found it somewhere and was very proud of making the family groan…)
My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles
https://ift.tt/3b9An9b
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
What is Homer Simpsons favorite ice cream?
Cookie D'OH!
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
I named my dog insane.
So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.
When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel.
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
Your mom is so fat
Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat. [EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum Wow, thanks for the support guys
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
