When your AI passes all the unit tests

I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.
When I'm so inclined.
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
So you died from eating too much gravy?
You went from the ladle to the grave.
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
He’s a good buoy
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg
"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!" "I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded. "Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am really desperate!" "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "However… I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
Do you speak Spanish?
A) No B) A little C) Señor
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?
A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
The accident
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…" "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, …please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road…." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
Wanna feel old?
Wait
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
My girlfriend asked how do I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p wasn't the best answer.
Billy’s mom comes home. “Billy, what’s wrong?” -“Dad hanged himself in the attic!” he said in tears.
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son. As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"
What’s the favorite drink of pornstars?
7 up in cider.
What do you call an emo accapello group?
Self Harmony
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.
It improved my outlook.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car?
So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!” You’re welcome.
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
I tried to come up with a good acid pun
But they're all too basic 🙁
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?" To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"