When your AI passes all the unit tests
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim. Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognize me by my face."
Bouncer?
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "Why?" "I don't know who you are and this is my trampoline."
Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
Apparently “I’m sorry” and “My bad” are same thing
unless you're at a funeral [Demetri martin]
Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas
What do french people smoke?
Oui'd.
Recently broke my thumb, I asked the nurse if I’d be able to play the piano?
She said I would I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
Ye Ol’Chemist had a lab,
ene-yne-ene-yne-one
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Why should dog owners invest in tennis balls?
They have a high rate of return
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
When you submit shitty code two minutes before the assignment is due for a programming class
https://ift.tt/2KRw7A8
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
A teenage boy and a teenage girl are in a relationship, and it was going rather smoothly. . .
. . . The girl asked eventually told the boy that if he would come over for dinner, meet her parents, and make a good impression, that she would reward him by making whoopee with him. He was pretty excited for the first time, so, being a responsible young man, he immediately went down to his local pharmacy to buy some condoms. But, since it was his first time, he didn't know what kind to buy, so he asked the pharmacist for help. The pharmacist spent a good hour discussing the different types of condoms, what they do, etc. He then asked the boy what his choice was. To which the boy responded, "Well, since it's my first time, I'm try the family pack." The pharmacist rang it up for him, and the boy left, excited. Finally, the big night arrived. The boy was very nervous, but he was determined to make a good impression on the girl's parents. Everyone sat down for dinner, and the mother said, "Let us bow our heads and thank the good Lord for this meal." Everyone bowed their heads and said grace. When they were finished, everyone looked up . . . except the boy. He continued to bow his head and mumble in prayer. After a solid twenty minutes, the girl tapped him on the leg and whispered, "I never knew you were so religious." The boy whispered back, "I never knew your father was a pharmacist!"
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones ,while the people of Abu Dhabi do.
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
Hey man, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
Dozen matter.
Boys… I think it’s about time I call it a night.
I’m an adult now, I can’t keep on calling it sleepy snoozies time.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him
Eventually I folded
