If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
how it feels trying to learn a language
how it feels trying to learn a language
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
When I get into the shower naked
The shower gets turned on.
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
I mixed an orange flavored soda and a twig once…
…it was fantastic!
Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Because they're extinct.
A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear
Ahh Migraines!
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said “ahh, like making love in a canoe.”
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.
The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the baby Carson.
and if you don’t get that that’s the best dad joke ever…. well 🤷🏼♀️
Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”
Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”
I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse
but she was just pulling my leg.
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting…
…but all the seats were already taken.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
After my memory loss, I couldn’t remember the other word for ‘couch’.
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic.
There would be six feet between us.
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!
He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!" Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?" "It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
When is a Dad joke not a Dad joke.
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
It’s a running joke.
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. “You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need … a new suit.” He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe was on a roll. “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.” Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see … size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions…
Oh well, hindsight is 1