When your city/state have shut down non-essential businesses but your still working at a non-essential business
Q. Why do elephants paint their toes? (some more elephant jokes)
A. So they can hide in fruit trees? Q. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a fruit tree? A. Of course not, they're too good at it. Q. How do elephants get in to fruit trees? A. They parachute in. Q. How do you tell if an elephant is hiding in a fruit tree? A. Tickle the fruit and see if it laughs. Q. Why should you never walk through the forest on Thursdays between 2 and 4 PM? A. That's when the elephants are practicing their parachuting. Q. Why does the orangutan have a flat face? A. He ate some fruit without tickling it first. Q. Why does the beaver have a flat tail? A. Because he walked through the forest on Thursday between 2 and 4 PM. u/kickypie's hippo joke reminded me of these (https://www.reddit.com/r/cleanjokes/comments/djwf9o/why_cant_you_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid.
Dad just waves and says, "Bison".
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
Wow, I just passed my probability exam.
What were the chances of that?
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Fatherβs Day!
Me: Yeah, but itβs son day as well.
Iβve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I wonβt rest until I find it.
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
Is an entire TV show a valid βboomer humorβ submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, “You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?”
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex
English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!" French Woman: And so what? Does it work? English Woman: If it works? My husband gets so horny and excited when i tell him that, he fucks me so hard and so good for like ten times in a row! I'm just so happy! The French woman seems very interested in it, and says she'll do that. The next day the three women meet again. French Woman: You won't believe it but your method actually worked wonders! My husband came back home from work and got a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hands and told him " Antoine, you balls are so hot!". He went totally mad and banged me ten times in a row! At this point the Russian woman is convinced and decides to try that herself. The next day the three women meet again. They find the Russian woman in a terrible state. She has two missing teeth, a broken arm, she was just all bruised and battered. Her two friends asked her what happened. Russian Woman: I did just what you said. My husband came back home from work, he grabbed his beer and took a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hand, but them were cold. So i told him: "Vladimir, why your balls are not as hot as Harry's and Antoine's?"
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
It’s getting chilly!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
Friends are like snow
When you pee on them, they disappear.
I hate when revolving doors move too fast
It's a pane in the ass
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
I have seen a kidnapping.
I decided to let the kid sleep
I hate it when they say, “white people can’t dance”…
Like Hello? We had the king of pop himself micheal Jackson.