When your code builds on the first try
Hope this isn’t already here
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
No, is not possible
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
The pub was pretty wild last night,
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
Let’s unFox the White House!
Based on true story
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
Crosspost with r/teenager
A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey…
The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man. The man, confused, asks to the bartender… -What the hell is this? -Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monkey So the guy looks for the piano player and shouts… -Hey! Do you know why your fucking monkey sunk his balls in my goddam whiskey? -Not by the title, but if you can sing it a little bit I'm sure I can make it work
Those damn lazy liberal Millenials
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
big brain meme
Would the husband of a female president be called the ‘First Lord’?
Developer: I think everything is clear User: Hold my beer!
Did you know Adam and Eve never had a date?
It was actually an apple.
a HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS
Boomer humor starter pack
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?
He liked to pump irony.
Vectors be like: The same, but different, but still the same
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
But he really likes beer…
So apparently this is the most productive thing I did in chemistry today
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?
The prose outweighs the cons.
I went to the doctor to get a prescription for my alcoholism.
"What's the cost of this prescription?" I asked him. "£500," he said. I said, "Woah, and what are the side effects?" "Drowsiness, nausea, headaches.." he listed. "I'll decline," I said. "It seems cheaper just to get drunk."
People say that I’m a plagiarist
Their words, not mine.
From a Pakistani Twitter account.
Why don’t you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore?
Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
Rand’s got a plan
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
So I walked into a weight loss clinic once and spilled an entire box of milk duds all over the floor…
It was the best game of hungry hungry hippos that I had ever seen!
McConnell taking the oath for the impeachment trial
The most honest thing I’ve seen on the internet
What is the best Donald Trump joke you’ve heard?
Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
You matter. 🧬
Standing on the shoulders of giants
Why doesn’t electricity like History class?
Because it’s only interested in current events.
Seen this flag flying a lot lately at quarantine protests… gentle reminder.
I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
The creator of Star Trek was renowned for emptying his bowels in obscure places.
He would boldly go where no man had gone before.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
A joke I made up that’s funny only when you look back at it.
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
When you can’t go back to save states IRL
Ah quarantine. Thank you for the sad laugh.
Only one person can stop LeBron
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
sometimes all what you can do is to pray..
I don’t know how far I’m going to make it in this field.
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
A programmer and his son😁
(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?
I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair
Oh the irony…
Those puppy hating liberals…
Why does every pothead want to be 5’8″ in height?
Then they literally 4'20"
I need a camera so I can…
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."