That's just how I roll.
Boil the hell out of it.
The cornea the better
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
But, it’s snot
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
Now he's retired.
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
It really makes my day.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Because their "bi-winks".
I'm not joking, but he is.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
I'm still working on it.
I said that makes two of us
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
It’s a non-prophet organization
Something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it…
*Dad hands Son a phone* Dad: "Ok, now just call someone." Son: "Why can't you do it?" Dad: "Because that would be a daddial."
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it