My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous…
I’ve never met herbivore.
A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.
She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks" The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added… "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
I told my wife, “I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”
She said, “Where would you find the time?” I said, “That should be easy. Next to the sage.”
I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital
It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.
We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.
This week I’m hosting a charity event for men who can’t ejaculate.
If you can’t come let me know.
Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism
Because they're still alive.
I had a dream that i was drowning in an ocean of orange soda. . .
But when I woke I realized that it was just a Fanta sea.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.
She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
What’s the difference between golf and skydiving?
One goes WHACK! then “uh oh” and the other goes “uh oh” then WHACK!
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
I just found a dead body in the street
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow See how she fucking likes it !
With great reflexes comes great response ability
No text found
Have you heard about brooms?
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
Which part of the body is the last to die?
Pupils, coz they dilate.
Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can’t
The Sax is too good
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
Don’t throw a snake like a boomerang.
It'll come back to bite you.
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
[NSFW] What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on me.
I had a car crash the other day.
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”

Oh man, Joe. Looks like you should be put in a cage like the rest of the criminals.
https://ift.tt/32POHQb
As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell…
But they only became more sluggish
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!" PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.