A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars. After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery. Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery. Being a man of God, he obviously figures, "I bet the monks will let me stay with them while my car is repaired." So he goes to the front gate and knocks on the door. A man in robes answers. He tells the monk his predicament and the monk, being a monk, lets him stay the night, and even helps with repair costs for his car. While the business man is sleeping that night, he hears this strange noise. It just perplexes him, and for the life of him, he can't figure out what it is. He decides when he wakes up in the morning, he'll ask the monks about it. When he wakes up, he finds the monk who he met when his car first broke down, and asks him, "Can you tell me what that noise I heard was last night?" The monk replies, "I'm sorry, brother. I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." The man accepts this. He thanks the monks for their graciousness, and goes about his way when he gets his car back. 3 years later, he is driving on another business trip. And wouldn't you know it, his car breaks down in front of the monastery again. Again, he figures, he can stay the night. And, of course, the monks let him stay and offer him the same help as before. And once again, during the night, he hears that noise. He has no idea what it could be. He decides to ask the monk once again, with hopes that he would trust him more this time around. In the morning he meets the monk again, and asks, "I'm sorry for asking again, but what is that noise!?" The monk replies, "I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." The man says, "Alright! I'll become a monk! What do I need to do!?" The monk replies, "I need you to travel the world, and count every blade of grass if you truly wish to become a monk." The man swiftly accepts and leaves all of his worldly possessions behind him to travel the world on this mission. He goes to all corners of the globe counting grass blades. After 50 years, he comes back to the monastery. He gives the monk accurate numbers and the monks give him monk-hood. And obviously, the first thing he wants to do is find out what that noise was. So he asks the head monk. The head monk beckons him to follow him and he does. After a few minutes of walking through corridors and rooms, they happen upon a wooden door. The man can hear the noise. He gets excited. The head monk hands him a brass key. He reaches with the key to the lock, and unlocks the door. There is another door though. This time iron. And the monk hands him an iron key. This happens again and again. So many types of doors and keys. Every thing you could imagine. Glass doors, gold doors. Everything Finally, they get to a door made of solid diamond. The noise is louder than ever. The monk hands the man the final key. He opens the door and finally sees what has been making the noise. But I can't tell you what it is, because you aren't a monk.
It was Motherfucking Gold.
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
…before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King". Genie: Wait, what? Why? Man: It's for a joke, trust me. Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke? Man: Yes. Burger King: Have it your way.
Because it keeps Dublin.
It's something I can see myself doing.
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
He only eats Brians
He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice” The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a week. A week later the guy comes back and says “Doc, those pills didn’t stop the farts. All they did was make them smell terrible. I can hardly stand it” The doctor replied “Good. Now that your sinuses are cleared up let’s work on your hearing”
Because nobody has any beef over there.
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.
I told her not to worry I’ll definitely get my money out of it.
There were a lot of red flags.
Outlaws are wanted.
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
But all my friends are at least 30.
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
Love it, so it leaves you as well.
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"