I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention
We were better than The Cure.
What did the arm wrestler who won the tournament say to the other wrestlers ?
I had the upper hand
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday…
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture….
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51
Alien Vs Predator
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
I like my women like I like my slaves
Educated and free.
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
What do you call a fight between E.T. and a man with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it…
Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens!
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”
If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be…
How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.
I guess it was a moving violation.
I just said, “No comment” all the way through the police interview…
I didn’t get the job.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."