When you’re asked to make the website feel like a native application.
I have mixed views on immigration.
I'm foreign against it.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday
Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start".
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
Engineering Degree: Expectation VS Reality RUSSIAN EDITION
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdeiH5XiNwA
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
What does English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
A lawyer gets pulled up for overspeeding in Chicago.
Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer? Officer: Sir, you were overspeeding. Lawyer: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see ur license please? Lawyer: I would have given it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers then. Lawyer: I can't do that either. Officer: Why not? Lawyer: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner. Officer: WHAT? Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defend, otherwise he would have called the police and I would have landed in jail. The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly retreats to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars encircle the Lawyer's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle. Lawyer: Is there a problem sir? Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner. Lawyer: Killed the owner? Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir? Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license. The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it over to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner. Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a K and not a C
You can’t C in the dark
To be honest, this is the sub in a nutshell
https://imgur.com/a/7cAWQeD
What sort of music does bubble wrap not like?
POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP
A girlfriend is like a good US president
I’d love to have one
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
What do you call an iron made circular amusement ride?
A ferrous wheel.
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer…
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
My friend said, “I’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
I watched my first porno film last week….
I looked so much younger then.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental – twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”
I stopped being breastfed at 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?
“Hey son, what are you drinking?”
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
It’s been 4 years since my last job interview
I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else
A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
My priest is a lawyer.
He's my father in law