Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
How often do people die in hospitals?
Just once.
Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.
Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green. Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping thrice and coming to rest on top of the water. Jesus walks out onto the water and chips onto the green. The third gentlemen hooks the everliving shit out of the ball. It goes into the road, gets hit by a car, ricochets across the fairway to the lake, is gobbled up by a frog, who is snatched by a stork. As the stork flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball, which rolls into the cup. Moses turns to Jesus and says: “I hate playing with your Dad.”
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
A warning to people with kidney disease.
Urine trouble.
Today my daughter told me “Dad, your jokes are bad”
I was sad until she told me "Don't worry I'm just kidding, nothing could be father from the truth."
Crying should give you better skin.
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
Yesterday I watched a match of women’s volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be fine again.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
Lie Detecting Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot For Sale.
2 pilots meet
300 people died
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
Best knock knock joke ever..
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities… "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced… "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Why doesn’t the bullet have a steady job
Because it keeps getting fired
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.