Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
I can’t afford anything.
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
I told him to be more Pacific.
Guess who came crawling back?
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
He was so full of himself.
The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways. All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought he was dead. The man replies: "I was, but after two jumpstarts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking great.
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
Me: Third? What about the first two? Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!" So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them. Me: Well, OK. I wish I really understood how women think. Genie: Granted. By the way, that was your first wish, too.
It's the neighborhood watch.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
Someone who is fed up with people.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
They're both cauldron.
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
Because all the fans left
"This is a stick up!"