Where are my electricians at??
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
How can you get to one million karma in a day?
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
What did the horse say when it fell down?
"Help, I've fallen, and I cant giddy up!"
Lie Detecting Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot For Sale.
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd
She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”
Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.
My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
A pun walks in and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead.
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Hand him a used tampon and ask which period it’s from.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
An idiot has a mirror in his closet.
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops “Police! There’s a burglar in my closet, come quickly!” A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can. “Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!”
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
I entered 10 jokes in a pun contest hoping at least one would win.
No pun in ten did.
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor. The old man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
[NSFW] Senior Sex
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?
It cost him an arm and a leg.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But theres too many drawbacks Edit: Heckin thanks for the platinum!!!
Patience be having a limit..
Patience be having a limit..
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think I’m being stalked.
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding!
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
When I die I want my coffin to be made of onions.
My family don't love me very much.
What’s the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?
"I'm not Willie Nelson."
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
What is the difference between soon-to-be parents that want a girl and liquid that’s been used to clean plates?
One's dishwater… The other's wish daughter