Where can you get gas for a $1.49?
Taco Bell.
I really hate One Direction fans.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
Please leave your nominations as replies to this thread. All other comments will be deleted.You can nominate any comment or post in the subreddit that was posted during this year.You can nominate multiple posts or comments, but please make a separate comment for each.Make sure you directly link to the post or comment you’re nominating, and not the content.
A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. “I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee. “Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.
The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways. All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought he was dead. The man replies: "I was, but after two jumpstarts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking great.
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
Doctor : You’ve got a problem in your eyes
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
Yes it is.
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
Why do people have their whisky neat instead of on the rocks?
Because it's noice.
I met Tom Hanks today!
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…
Hey, is your refrigerator running?
Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
I was reading a horror story in braille..
Something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it…
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
Neodymium doped Glass changes color depending on the wavelength of the light hitting it.
https://ift.tt/2NXvk2L
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience….
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
How to you send an apology by telegraph?
By using remorse code.
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
I have a math joke
But I’m 22 to say it
Someone asked where I saw myself in two years…
How should I know. It’s not like I have 2020 vision.