Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
it's a naan stick pan
…it made a bolt for the door.
When it becomes aparent.
So I had to put my foot down
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
That's when I had to put my foot down.
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?” – “Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. – “Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer. – “Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Arlene: What the hell is that? Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet. Arlene: Where'd you get that at? Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road! The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers. Arlene exclaims, "Don't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!" *pharmacist faints*
We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
It was an ether/oar situation…
They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.
Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you.
That’s seven years in a row now!!
Let's go ride bikes!
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
µ Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.
When he found out he was madder than hell.
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
but not by choice though