Where did covid 19 take his son?
Because all proper tea is theft.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
would I just have beer?
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren’t as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back–wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t uttered a single word this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
The correct term is turd-world countries.
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
Now it’s a Ford Focus
but then I changed my mind.
He said it was absolutely sublime.
…I still love vista baby.
It had a vowel movement.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
He's never going to finish his sentence.
To get to the other sidekick.
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
I shouldn't have named two.
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…”
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates. Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you get to decide where you want to spend eternity." The senator looks a bit bewildered and says "why can't I just go into heaven?" Peter replies:"sorry rules are rules, where do you want to go first?" The senator replies:"let's get the hard part out of the way first. I'll go to hell to begin with." Peter points to an elevator: "press the button and go all the way down." The senator walks over presses the button and starts heading down. Going down nothing changes everything seems the same as when he got in and when he hits the bottom it opens up to reveal a sandals resort-esque layout. As soon as he walks out a woman clad in a bikini gives him a mojito and he is greeted by three of his old friends. They walk over to a golf course and have a grand time catching up and talking. Then the devil walks up. Except no horns, nor hoofs, but rather a white linen suit. He smiles and starts cracking jokes and the Senator has a blast. At the end of 24 hours he gets back in the elevator and goes back up to the pearly gates. Peter greets him and asks: "how was it?" The Senator responds "amazing!" Peter raises an eyebrow quizzically and then directs him to the entrance of heaven. The Senator goes in and enjoys chilling on cloud furniture relaxing and enjoying himself but he is lonely and it just isn't the same without his friends. So at the end of the 48 hours he goes back to Peter. Peter asks him: "have you made up your mind? The Senator replies: "I have. Never thought I would say this in my entire life, but I would like to go to hell." Peter looks at him aghast. "Are you sure? Because once you make the choice it is irrevocable." The Senator replies "yes i'm sure." Peter again points to the elevator and replies: "May God have mercy on you." The Senator goes and gets into the elevator. This time as it goes down it starts getting warmer to the point where the elevator feels like a furnace. The elevator stops and opens, but this time it’s different. The Senator sees fire and caverns with devils chasing people with pitchforks and everything is well…hell. He walks up to the devil who this time has horns, hoofs, and wings. He says “When I came here the other day it was like a tropical beach resort, now it’s well hell. What happened??” The devil looks at him and says smiling: “well you see the other day we were campaigning, but today you voted.”
I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
A grand entrance
Because the cow has the udder.
Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons…
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.