Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old…
… but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I wanna get my hands on the fuckwad that pushed me in that water!"
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
Why won’t the Republicans impeach Trump?
Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term
After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor
He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people. He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave him the death sentence. The day finally comes and he enters the electric chair room. They ask for his last meal and he asks for one banana. He eats the banana and goes to the chair. They shock him but somehow after the shock he's still alive. Everyone in the room is like "Oh wow he lived, welp i guess we'll let him go." So off he goes back into the world (with a really poor legal system). He decides that he still wants to be a train conductor. So he goes back to being one, he's so confident nothing will go wrong this time. Aaaand then he crashed again, killing even more people. He went back to court again and of course the judge gave him the death sentence. He goes back into the death chamber he was once in, and this time for his last meal he asks for just two bananas. He eats them and goes to the chair. They really dont want him to live so they push the electricity even higher this time. However once again he lives. Everyone in the room is so astonished they dont do anything when he walks out. So this absolute madman decides to conduct trains again. What do you know he messes up again. So he goes to court and all that and he's back in the death chamber. When they ask what he wants for his final meal he says that he wants three bananas. They say "No you can't have your bananas, every time you've had them you survive the execution." They don't give him his bananas or any other choice for a last meal and throw him into the chair. They crank the electricity up to full power and sparks fly everywhere, the room is filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, he's just sitting there smiling, unscathed. They're so confused and even scared, they ask him how he somehow survived a dose of electricity that should kill anything it touches. His answer? "Well really im just not a good conductor." Sorry for the long and probably badly written joke
My Dad just hit me with this one
A song came on on the speakers and I asked "Is this green Day?" He replied "No, it's valentine's Day"
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.
Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family. The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal. At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Dad: so at the ball drop we all have to put our left leg in the air
Me: why Dad: so we can start the new year on the right foot! Me: why are you the way that you are
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
No text found
A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .
. . . except for his boots. “Where your clothes at, Slim?” “Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’ So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’” Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’ So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”
I caught my husband coming to a brothel and I’m not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.
Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens…
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet…
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Flummoxed, I asked my wife, “Honey, the kids don’t want to eat their vegetables. What do you want me to do?” She shouted back from the other room, “That’s fine. Just throw them out, dear!”
Later, I told them, "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are!" as I helped them pack their suitcases…
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you’re writing me a speeding ticket?
Officer: It was a moving violation
My dad said he’s going to a concert.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
So many people these days are too judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
My bedroom light just went out.
I have no idea where it's going.