Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
I had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
Bank Robber: Where’s the Safe?!
Teller: Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THE SAFE? Teller: Bank Robber: ANSWER ME! Penn: He always does this
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed people
But none of them work!!
The problem with Trump jokes:
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
My mom just told me, “ Don’t forget that tomorrow is Mother’s Day.”
I said, “Remember, it’s also son day.”
Did you hear about the psychic midget prison escapee?
He’s a small medium at large
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A lady comes home from her doctor’s
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times…
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
Whats the story with the building?
I've heard there is 8 stories.
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
Flat earthers have nothing to fear
Except sphere itself.