Where do heterosexual people like to swim?
Straits.
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water
What do you call a bunker with multiple stories?
A layer lair.
A piece of rope walks into a bar
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"
Assistant to the President: Sir, there’s a crisis – somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar’s Up left in existence.
President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me. Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir … President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved! Assistant to the President: Sir … President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie? Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir. President: Rick? Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.
Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? It’s always three, right? Genie: look at your crotch. Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick. Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. You’re welcome.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…
I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!
A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?" The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey…
The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man. The man, confused, asks to the bartender… -What the hell is this? -Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monkey So the guy looks for the piano player and shouts… -Hey! Do you know why your fucking monkey sunk his balls in my goddam whiskey? -Not by the title, but if you can sing it a little bit I'm sure I can make it work
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
Kid: I’m going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say “Hi Frank, I’m Dad!” I’m gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?
Mourning wood.
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?
The prose outweighs the cons.
A black kid pulls the flour over his head.
A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now what do you have to say about yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented
They just drank at home.
When it’s friday and someone says “so hey there is this quick thing we need fixed”
https://ift.tt/3ahqVRs
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving
He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name. “What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated. “You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.” “Really? It’s that easy?” “Yeah you just have to fill out some paperwork.” I paused. “I can drive you if you want.” “Thanks dude. What would I even change my name to though?” “How about something common that holds on to your roots? Something like Lee.” “Lee. I like it.” Unfortunately, Ling had overheard our talk and launched into a tirade about how his name had been in the family for generations and he couldn’t just throw away his heritage like that. Ving was set though. The next day, we drove to city hall. Ling insisted on coming along, hoping to convince Ving to change his mind. She complained the entire way. Ving wasn’t deterred though. We finally got to city hall and got the paperwork. As he was filling it out, Ving’s face changed. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “You’ve been excited all day and yesterday for this.” “I know, I know. It’s just— it’s my dad’s name too. I don’t know.” Ving sighed. “I don’t think I can go through with it.” Ling looked relieved. The receptionist noted that there was a small cancellation fee. Ling happily took out some money. Suddenly, an Asian man in Ray-Bans, neon shorts, and an American flag T-shirt bursted through the doors. “Dad!” Ving, tears streaming down his face, ran to embrace his father. Ving Sr. smiled at his son. “Don’t stop. Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee Ling.”
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives