Where do heterosexual people like to swim?
Straits.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He’s pretty good at it too.
If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
What do you call an angsty teenage robot?
A sigh borg!
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
What do you call Batman who skips church?
Christian Bale
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…
You have my Word.
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride
My boss called this morning and shouted,
“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.” “Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied. “Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.” So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”
Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.
Me: Is it contagious? Doctor: Is what contagious?
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
Ole Blue
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this — they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.
I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.