Where do I even start?
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
Someone let me know if this joke already kind of exists
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
A husband and wife were fighting.
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
There was a 6 fingered man that everyone kept calling Tommy. Why?
Because that's his name.
I ate a clock yesterday and it was very time consuming.
especially when I went for seconds
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
A dad was washing his car with his son.
After a while, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey Dad, why can't we just use a sponge ?"
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
What is it called when your parachute doesn’t open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
If every letter “t” was silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office
They get really annoyed
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus
In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti
