Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere.
Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
A fly felt something bite his back…
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas…
… she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day. Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out. She's like most women – loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION – WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
When is a Dad joke not a Dad joke.
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
Why is “dark” spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark
I slept with a blind woman the other night. It went pretty well, mostly.
Once the clothes came off she said to me "You have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on" I said, "Stop pulling my leg."
I think I’d win gold in “Literature Gymnastics.”
I can really flip a page. 😀
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
A mobile phone is like a penis.
Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table.
I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints!
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
My wife said sex has become a chore.
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
So I picked up this girl the other day…..
and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" . Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant
Like my name, phone number, address…
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke
should get a no bell prize.
Last saturday I went to a stand up comedy event
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
If you insist, we can make love… but in credit card position!!! Contactless!!!
https://ift.tt/33Km3RC
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.