Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere
Video games don’t have a negative influence on kids.
If Pac-Man had affected us, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.
The cashier said : āhardback?ā I said: āyeah and little headsā
Don’t make fun of fat people with lisps…
They're thick and tired of it
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had. I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
“Why are you telling me this story about a male hen?” I asked the bartender, confused.
He just looked at me and replied, "You asked for a cock tale, sir."
What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
Been out washing the car with my son.
He said Dad why donāt you use a sponge like the other dads?
Whats red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
āReally large onesā wasnāt an acceptable answer.
Why donāt aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
I used to date my english teacher
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
I got an e-mail saying, “At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!” and I thought to myself…
āThatās just spam.ā
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I’m not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I’m the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.