Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound.
When I die I want to die peacefully in sleep like my granddad …
Not screaming hysterically like his passengers
“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
What Fish work in hospitals?
Sturgeons.
I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels
It's my new year's resolution
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face…
A little old lady…
…was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
If I had a Delorean…
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
My girlfriend is a pornstar.
Should I let her know?
What is it called when two redheads have a baby?
Ginger-bred!
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
Why can’t you email a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
Stop looking at Reddit and get a piece of paper and write the second last letter of the alphabet.
If you do it you'll see why.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
