Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
So for Halloween I’m going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
Did you read the news about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere!
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time…
That was a pain in the ass.
A man takes his wife to get tested
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now? Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
Two termites walk into a bar and ask
Is the bar tender here?
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure.
It’s amazing how seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid January and I’m freezing.
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Someone: “If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should’ve been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19”
My response: "144? That's a gross"
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
What does a fish wear when he wants to blend in?
A gillie suit.
How is a trans 4-year old like a vegan cat?
We all know who’s making that decision
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him “I don’t. But i guana learn someday”
No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl
They don’t like turning their back on family
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe. As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
No text found
If you regret your vote in 2016, don’t worry about it
Hindsight is 2020
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
Why was the music teacher arrested?
He fingered a minor.