WhErE dO YoU sEe YoUrSeLf In 40 YrS?
I asked my Mom if I was ugly…
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: “ok, this isn’t working out.”
My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.
But I better get this shit off my chest.
I fucking hate recursion
I fucking hate recursion, its the dumbest fucking solution to the easiest problems in coding. Like what the fuck? Have you every heard of big O notation? Of course you fucking haven’t, you bumbling cretin. I would explain it if your brain didn’t recurse on itself. How am I supposed to understand fucking “Henry McGyvers” code over here where you can’t tell where it even produces any values at the fucking root of things. Why would a function call itself, you fucking idiot? Why would you ever think that? Why not use a while loop? Or a for loop? Or literally anything that’s better than a program sucking itself off until it cums with the answer that you might want, I guess. Jesus fucking christ.
I once farted in an apple store.
They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot
When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
What language do oranges speak?
Mandarin.
Why shouldn’t you kiss someone on January 1st?
It’s only the first date.
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
You’ll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke…
They consider cows to be sacred.
Hindus are so chill
i’ve never had beef with any of them
My family treats me as though I’m a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.
But he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
A wife yells at her husband
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
Samsung?
Well what did he sing?!
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted……..
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But theres too many drawbacks Edit: Heckin thanks for the platinum!!!
I just poked myself in the eye.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
