Where do you take somebody that has been injured in a Peek-a-Boo accident?
The I.C.U.
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?
Catching all the chickens that had crossed it
Сафари парк львов Тайган
https://ift.tt/33T3qd9
What kind of pants do the Mario bros wear?
denim denim denim
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.
He dyed on impact.
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?
A baked potato.
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!" The husband said, "I think she choked."
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.
First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting. Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere. Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks. He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown. The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
https://ift.tt/32HKZbh
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having
Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”
First time
Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed. Husband : What? You had three divorces before. Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it. Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it. And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it. You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
Trump and Obama are getting a haircut in the same barber shop.
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
Found this on my computer science teacher’s webpage
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
Nah, I rather have the potatoes, eggs and fish from thousands of kilometers away. (But I get it, if you just don’t have money, you got to go for the cheapest)
Nah, I rather have the potatoes, eggs and fish from thousands of kilometers away. (But I get it, if you just don’t have money, you got to go for the cheapest)
I’m going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man asks, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.