Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want”? “Aha”, he says,… "United Airlines".
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Probably because he was never around
I always say, “I can stop whenever I want.”
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning… And I have oatmeal every morning."
It really makes my day.
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
How? I took a day off
They're both pro-grammars
…you've waisted thyme.
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
It just didn't cut it anymore
It really classed up the joint.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
As they went through a tunnel and it became too dark to see and a loud SMACK could be heard. As the train exited the tunnel everyone looked at the American and saw he had a bright red cheek. The old lady thought to herself "I bet that American grabbed that young woman and she smacked him for it." The young attractive woman thought "I bet that American grabbed that old lady thinking it was me and she smacked him for it." The American thinks to himself "I bet that Canadian grabbed that young attractive woman and she smacked me thinking it was me." And the Canadian thinks to himself "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack the American again."
A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.
They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?” “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
“Susan?” “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!” “Very good. What about you, Johnny?” “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
They are for-prophet organizations, after all.
Because he did not want to be spotted
There will be mass confusion.
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey