Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From the well, actually.
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”. Like I was supposed to know the name.
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden.
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
I saw a group of isis soldiers crying today
It's a crisis
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
No potatoes.
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
An idiot has a mirror in his closet.
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops “Police! There’s a burglar in my closet, come quickly!” A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can. “Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!”
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me …." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord…?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done…." They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
Today I quit drinking for good
Now I only drink for evil
Did you guys see the preview for the movie about the worlds biggest 18-wheeler?
It was one really long trailer.
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
Johnnie didn’t know what else to do to have sex with his wife…
… every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts. They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best toast. One night, Johnnie made a special toast: "I toast to spending the rest of my nights between my wife's legs!" So he won the best toast of the night for the first time. He arrived home buzzed and overly excited thinking this was the night they would finally have sex. "Mary, I won the best toast of the night!" "Really, what did you toast for?" But Johnnie was suddenly scared of making things worse: "Well… I toasted to spending all my days in church!" So the next day, Johnnie and Mary are walking in town and one of Johnnie's friends approaches the couple with a naughty smile. "Mary… did you know Johnnie won the best toast last night?" Johnnie freezes and Mary replies: "Yes, but that's odd… every time I tell him to do it he refuses. If we ever do it, he falls asleep halfway through. And last weekend I had to grab him by his ears, and still, he didn't come!"
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?
We recycle our material every fucking day.
Guy Ritchie movies taught me all the British slang I know
Guy Ritchie movies taught me all the British slang I know
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
If a is for Apple and b is for banana….what is c for?
Plastic explosives
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
I never knew covering up my bald spot would cost so much.
But it's a price I'm willing toupée.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
I’ve got two pet monkeys who share an Amazon account…
They're prime mates…
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
Dawn is tough on Greece.
What happens when you eat Aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can’t defend the towers
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.