Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
The arenDeli.
I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water
I responded "Well, dam"
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
How many kids with ADHD does it take to scew in a light bulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.
Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
Realizing you just fucked up 5 hours of work on a PCR with one pipetting error
https://ift.tt/2Q6v69U
Why didn’t 4 jump into the pool?
Because they were 22
I just learned that a friend of mine who had a stutter died in jail
He didn't even complete his sentence
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.
Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran very quickly. – "I can't run that fast" – The monk thought. He started training. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the fastest monk in the whole world. He then returned to his farm. As always, the thief appeared and took 3 carrots. The monk started chasing him through the fields until they reached a fence. The thief jumped over it, but the monk stopped. – "I can't jump that high" – He thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the highest jumping monk. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence and they arrive at a lake. The thief jumps into it and swims away. – "I can't swim" – The monk thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the best swimmer among all monks. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, they reach a mountain and the thief climbs it. – "I can't climb" – The monk thought. He started training climbing for days, weeks, months, until he became the best monk mountaineer in the world. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arived at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way. Suddenly, he punches the monk in the stomach. – "I can't fight" – the monk thought. He started training for days, weeks, months, until he became the best boxer of all monks. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arive at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way and knocks him down with one punch. – "Why are you only stealing 3 carrots at a time?" – He asked the thief. – "I will tell you, but promise to never tell anybody". And the monk kept his promise.
Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now it’s worth $875,000
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
What do the movies titanic and the six sense have in common
Icy dead people
Where is truth produced?
In the fact-ory.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?