Where else but Facebook?
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
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Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.
I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
I can’t find my “Gone in 60 seconds” DVD
It was here a minute ago
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.
My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.
So i packed my stuff and right.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
It means a lot.
What do you call a man with a shovel?
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Light green
Why is the KKK against triathlons?
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.
Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
An Irishman and his son went to the zoo…
A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age” The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times. “Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!” The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun… A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice… “Bajaysus that’s right” said the father, “I am farty two!”
WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!!
I will find you, I have contacts!
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot
As I slipped my finger inside her hole….
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
What do you call Batman who skips church?
Christian Bale
I’m so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
A man goes for confession …
The priest says “Tell me son why are you here” “Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied. The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession? “ “Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic.” the man replied. “This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way” the priest replied. The man replied , “ Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ? “
Batman
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression." "Go on then" the second one says. "OK, here we go…" the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!" The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN" "Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done my child?” Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.” Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?” Girl: “Because he touched my hand.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he touched my breast.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: “Yes father. Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “But father he had AIDS!” Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
I hate when revolving doors move too fast
It's a pane in the ass
When you’ve had enough of the toddler screaming and running around the restaurant
When you’ve had enough of the toddler screaming and running around the restaurant