Where is truth produced?
In the fact-ory.
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
The John Lennon Airport has been quarantined
Imagine all the people
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Have you ever been to a corn field in the middle of the night
And felt like you were being STALKED It can feel very EARY Sorry about this pun being too CORNY The joke must really SHUCK
I’m so patriotic, I piss red white and blue.
My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
What’s red and smells?
Rudolph's nose.
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves
I don’t hate bread
I loaf it 🍞
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero…
The Invisible man!
Why doesn’t the moon shave?
Because it waxes
When is a mom joke clearly a dad joke?
When It's trans-parent.
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Achoopacabra
Wife: honey I’m pregnant, we’re going to have our first kid
Husband, with tears in his eyes: Hi pregnant, I’m dad
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
When writing a function and then googling just to see if there’s a better way
https://ift.tt/38mlMXf
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
I’m so good at sleeping
I could do it with my eyes closed
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
I went to buy camouflage trousers the other day
But I couldn’t see myself wearing any
She: “What’s your birthday?”
Me: "January first." She: "What year?" Me: "Every year."
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?
So they can Scandinavian
A young muslim boy asks his dad ” what are you wearing on your head?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." Son asks " what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?" Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face during a sandstorm" . "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
My bald surgeon friend is the most charismatic guy I know.
He is a real smooth operator.
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.