Where nightmares comes from
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
I’m trying to form a really good pun about yoga, but it isn’t working out.
I know, it was a stretch.
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver……
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.
They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise. St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much will this cost us?" asked the husband. "Nothing," St. Peter responded. "This is Heaven- everything is free!" Next, he took them to the Championship golf course just minutes away from their mansion. They would have golfing privileges whenever they wanted, an angel as a caddy on command, and the course even changed daily to represent the most elite courses on Earth. "This is… stupendous," the wife asked. "What are the green fees?" Again, St. Peter said "Nothing. This is Heaven- everything is taken care of." Next, he took them to the equivalence of a five-star restaurant next to the course. Wagu beef, prime rib, lobster, veal, salmon, rare vegetables and spices- all one could eat. "How much-" "Again, free," St. Peter responded to the wife. "This is Heaven." The husband paused. "Well… this is all nice, but… do you have any low cholesterol, low-fat options…?" St. Peter chuckled. "In Heaven, you don't have to worry about Earthly problems. You will never get fat and you will never get sick." Suddenly, the husband grew angry, and screamed toward the sky. St. Peter and the man's wife tried calming him down, but he kept getting angrier. "What's the matter???" the wife asked. "Why aren't you happy here???" The man responded, "This is all YOUR fault!!! If it weren't for your fucking 'bran muffins' and 'paleo chicken' recipes, we would have been here 10 years ago!!!"
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries – $1 each.
I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.
Kidnapping Congress
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"
Two birds are sitting on a perch…
One asks, do you smell fish?
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
‘We ran out of protein powder!’
Dad: No whey
Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.
I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
Dad (points at my foot): your sock has a hole in it!
Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t! Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?
In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken…
…they’ve been friends for a long time. One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking. Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?” Horse explains “I’m eating a little food, a little hay…next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.” So what happens? Chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW. Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s fucking gorgeous. Hops in it, drives back over, ties a rope to the car and pulls his friend to safety. The horse is grateful and says “anytime you need me, I’ll be there." So what happens? About a week later, same thing only this time it’s the chicken sinking in a pit of mud. Horse gallops over, sees his pal sinking in the mud, takes off to the farmer’s house but he can’t drive the BMW, runs back over, whips out his dick and the chicken climbs to safety. Moral of the story – if you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
My friend, Eric, started using a phrase that I invented for referring to an Indian perennial herb.
I said, "That's my term, Eric."
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors…
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
I can’t stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
No text found
Boomer uncle posts this on Facebook nice break from his usual Michelle is a man posts
https://ift.tt/2Eou8zy
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Robin get in the car
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
Australians are geniuses.
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
Did you know that the Soviet Union didn’t have mines?
They only had ours!
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
