Where tf did you come from
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
BecauseĀ RecyclingĀ old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ā»
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
An Englishman, an American and a Scotsman wander in the desert
After a long while they encounter a huge wall. They try to go around it, over it, but the wall is too high and too long. Out of nowhere, a genie appears. The genie sais: "You must all tell a lie in order to break this wall. The greater the lie, the greater the damage. But beware, each one of you only has one try." The men sink into deep thinking state. After hours of thinking, the Englishman begins: "Us, the english gentlemen, never drink tea with milk." The wall cracks. The American adds: "Us, the american gentlemen never smoke stogies after a hard day of work." Again, the wall cracks. Now all left up to the Scotsman, he takes a deep breath and starts: "Us, the scottish gentlemen-" The wall shatters.
My wife is really angry because I have no sense of direction
So I just packed up my things and right
Relatable.
Relatable.
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: Iām sorry, I donāt think itās in yet. Me: Yeah, thatās the one.
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
Eggs-hausted!
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
āHow long do you think that fence is?ā
āIām going to guessā-around a yard.ā
A man took his six year old girl to the office
As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered around she sobbed loudly 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?'
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
The recently put forward a referendum to allow public flatulance
The motion was passed.
My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets..
I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, āWhere are you?ā I said, āIām at the pub.ā
She said, āI think the baby is comingā Me: I donāt think he can get in. He will be underage.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
I’m allergic to death.
It causes me to start coffin.
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
My wife is like a plunger.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
I looked deep into her eyes
And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach. I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass…