where the hell is the electron
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I managed to figure it out.
You can say…. I solved the case.
Robber broke into my house to find money
I searched with him
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and c approach I guess
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
A man walks up to a bar and sits down. He puts a frog on the bar next to him.
A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog sits next to him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "what's with the frog?" The man looks at the woman and says, "this is my pet frog. He's very special." "Why?", asked the woman. " Well, I've taught this frog how to pleasure women orally." The woman laughs, but the man is serious. After more drinks the woman agrees to let the man prove it. So they go out back to the man's car, the woman drops trou, and the man places the frog between her legs and tells the frog, "Alright buddy, go to town." The frog just sits there doing nothing. "Come on, man. Don't be shy!" Still, the frog does nothing. "This is your moment to shine!" But the frog doesn't move. So the man picks up the frog, looks the frog in the eyes and says, "This is the last time I'm gonna show you how to do this!!"
Don’t read Part A backwards.
It’s a trap!
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.
Woman: What’s this? Man: It’s a lime. Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else? The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table. Woman: Is everything ok? Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
Just been fired as an interrogator
I suppose I should have asked why
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
Rest in peace to boiling water
You will be mist
A Redditor walks into a bar
Just kidding, Redditors don’t socialize
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverland's.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils. They dilate.
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
I, for one, like roman numerals.
No text found
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with.. But I was trippin all day!
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
An old man is selling watermelons…
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10 A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…"
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
A couple both age 67, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would take an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medicare."
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)