Where to start…
Hitler’s Game
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
I don’t get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.
There is a vas deferens between the two.
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Hand him a used tampon and ask which period it’s from.
For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.
It was a stage he was going through.
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
Life is like a toilet paper
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.” The doctor then adjusted the machine to 50% pain transfer. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, their neighbor was dead on the porch.
What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
A gay man goes to a church
And when the donation tin is makes it's way to the gay man, he leaves a $1000 in the tin. Once the tin makes it's way back to the pastor, the pastor is shocked! He yells, "Whoever left such a generous donation, please make yourself known!". The gay man stands up and says "I did". The pastor smiles at the man and says, "This church thanks you for such a gift! The congregation would love for you to choose 3 hymns". The gay man starts pointing around the church and saying "I will take him, and him and him!"
Why can’t miss piggy count to 100?
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up…
They’d be alloys!
I would like to make chemistry jokes on this subreddit
But all the good ones Argon
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, "My door is always open".
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
The world ended when I kissed an alpaca.
It was the alpaca-lips.
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
M’laria!
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
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I told my therapist that i am having suicidal thoughts
He now makes me pay in advance
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
