Where’s the funny
What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
Do you remember the 21st night of September?
I remember it like it was yesterday.
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
 That was the most violent book I've ever read.
There was a toilet stolen from the police station…
They have nothing to go on My dad texted this to me today
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Gingerly.
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
What do you call a sheep on wheels?
A Lamborghini.
A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.
Her: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
The US Space Force uniform camouflage vs the Netflix Space Force Series uniform camouflage
https://ift.tt/2Tyb0br
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig.
One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
This is definitely something my dad would say
https://ift.tt/36v2CNJ
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..
A classic in honor of my cake day! John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine", the wife sighs, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which John replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break" "I'm not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps" he says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" John's wife replied, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". John asked, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
1 person in every 10 doesn’t understand the binary number system.
The other guy is fine with it.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A FIZZician
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From the well, actually.