Whether Jim is at the gym or congress
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention
We were better than The Cure.
I sleep better naked.
Why can't this flight attendant understand that?
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. “I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” “Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. “This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
What do you call a snake building its own home?
A boa constructor
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’m allergic to bread but eat it anyways
I guess I'm a gluten for punishment
Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with buying condos?
He had an apartment complex.
Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.
Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.
I don’t trust French food
It always gives me the crêpes
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
I’ve just got back from Schizophrenics Anonymous.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth
it was accidental
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
A farmer has three daughters and each of them have dates
The farmer, being skeptical of their dates decides to meet them first. If he didn’t like them, he would give them the business end of his shotgun. The first date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?” The farmer liked him and let him go. The second date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We are going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?” The farmer liked him and he let him go. The third date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Chuck “ and the farmer shot him.
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
