Which 5 letter body part is long and flexible and contains the letters P, E, N, I and S?
Spine
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
What do you call Batman when he skips church
Christian bale.
The national Origami Championship is on television tonight.
It's on paper view.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Even robots need a vacation from time-to-time
When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day. Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill. Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said “He’s taking a vacation day”. So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.
Wife: I have to tell you something.. I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Wife: No you arent
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers…
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
What do you call a flirty philosoper?
A Socra-tease
An old man was sitting next to a kid
And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack… So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate? So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old -And you think it's because he ate chocolate? -No, it's because he minded his own business.
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.
He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal."
Sperm bank
A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20 a pint." "Hmm …," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon." The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator. The next day, they meet in the elevator again. The man asks, "So, where you off to today?" "Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He's an artificial sweetner.
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
What’s a snail on a boat?
A snailor
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all…
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
Why do dentists have so many trophies?
Because they got rid of the plaques. (This one popped into my head getting into the shower. Crap, it’s early.)
What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto