Which body part dies last ?
The eyes, because they dilate.
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.
He said, “It must be drawn to scale.”
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater…
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
How would you define propaganda?
When a British person gets a really good look at something.
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister go to a blood drive
The rabbit says “I’m pretty sure I’m a type-o”
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times … "
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist
A lip reader
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
Want to hear a word i just made up?
Plagiarism. I just made up that word.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of people know this
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
Y’know
I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries.
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.
He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded,"My washcloth." Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked his mother, "What happened to your washcloth?" His mother replied, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "Mommy, I found your washcloth, I found your washcloth!" His mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy replied, "The maid has it and is washing daddy's face with it." *This was actually a copypasta taken from an eighth grade English workbook assigned by a private school in Shanghai. The kids were told to read the joke and write a review of it. The parents were, obv, not pleased when they saw the material.
My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
A man goes to church to confess his sins….
He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard." The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad." "Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard." "My son, this is not so bad. 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers and you shall be cleansed." The man interrupts, "Um Father, there was some wood left over, so I used it to build a fence around my yard." The Priest was surprised. "My child, that's a bit worse. You'll have to do 2 full rosaries." The man speaks up again. "Father, you see there was still some wood left and I used it to build an extension on my house." The Priest sighed with discomfort. "Oh dear my child. You'll need to do some real penance for that. Our church courtyard could use an update. Do you know how to build a gazebo?" The man replied, "No father, but if you have the plans, I have the wood."
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
Why did my dad go to prison?
Beats me.
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
No text found
I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible
I’m an eighth-theist
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
https://ift.tt/2XA3Raj