Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
So far, 2019 seems odd.
Like every other year.
A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.
The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?" Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!" The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't have one eye!" He goes to Don next, and does his usual thing. Don replies, "That's a piece of cake! He only has one ear!" To which the policeman says, "Well, that's because the photo I showed you IS HIS PROFILE!" Pissed off at this point, he goes to Rod and asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you find him?" Rod looks at the picture intently, and the says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is confused, and decides to check. Moments later, he emerges with a big smile on . his face and says, "Wow! He really does wear contact lenses! How did you make such an astute observation?" "Easy. He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."
“Darling, I have to tell you something”
A husband says to his wife: "Darling, I have to tell you something" Wife replies: "What?" Husband: "I don't know how to say this" Wife: "What?" Husband: "I don't even know if I should tell you" Wife: "What?" Husband: "You're completely deaf" Wife: "What?"
Yesterday I Spotted an Albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
I dated an African girl….
we just clicked
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl.
Guy: You're the most average girl here Girl: You're so mean Guy: No, you are
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I just said “No comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn't get the job.
What’s brown and not very heavy?
Light brown
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.
What is an archeologist
Someone who’s career is in ruins
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex
To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.
What’s the difference between Constipation and Diarrhea?
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
Why does Reddit have 2 d’s?
The second one is a repost….
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
One came, one saw, and one conquered.
How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
Spot on!
https://ift.tt/35cKZB2
“Dad, the manual says it’s not a good idea to turn the stereo volume to full.”
Dad: That’s sound advice.
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.