Which is better Celsius or Kelvin?
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, āHey, you missed a right!ā
I said, āThanks babe. You MRS. Right.ā
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, āI donāt want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?ā āThe instructor said, āDuring the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.ā After a pause, the instructor added, āI gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which Iāve never seen done in my entire career.ā
Doctor: Did you know that you have a severe inability to vocalize your emotions?
Me: āI canāt say Iām surprised.ā
Wanna feel old?
Wait
People think Iām addicted to drinking brake fluid
I always say, āI can stop whenever I want.ā
Why hasn’t Barbie ever gotten pregnant?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
Whatās the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
Time zones are very confusing. Like it’s may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe
and 1954 in america Edit: *june not may
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
āOn what day will I Die?ā The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. āWhy are you so sure of that?ā demanded Hitler. āAny day,ā she replied, āon which you die will be a Jewish holiday.ā
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
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Why do they spell it “honour” and “favour” in the United Kingdom?
Because Rick Astley is British.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasnāt at work
She must have called in thick
If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be…
How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?
Did you know you can’t run in campgrounds?
You can only ran, because it's past tents
A miner is stopped by the cops and is asked various questions
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner: Mine
Told a girl to text me when she got home.
She must be homeless.
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Canāt say Iām surprised.
What exactly is an acorn?
Well, in a nutshell, itās an oak tree.
Trumpās being driven through a backroad out to the White House…
Trumpās being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt. The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it. Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're my driver, and apologize." A while later, the man returns, seeming incredibly satisfied. Trump asks how the family reacted, but the driver said they seemed in good spirits and even gave him some of their dinner. Back on the road, the driver hits another pig that wandered onto the road. He goes and tells the farmer's family, but when he comes back, he says the family was overjoyed and gave him a bottle of liquor. The driver hits a third pig that was on the road, but this time, Trump secretly follows him to see why the people would be so happy. When the farmer comes to the door, the driver announces, "I'm President Trumpās driver, the pig is dead!"