I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
One day a woman had 100 children…
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
To whoever stole my copy of microsoft office.
I will find you. YOU HAVE MY WORD!
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar…
Blunt force trauma
What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?
Nothing, they were stuck up cunts
I never know what to do during long flights…
… they're just so Boeing
What are pornstars paid?
Income.
Where does 100 equal 60?
A microwave.
A man with a dog walks into a bar.
He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!" Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent. "Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog, "You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?" "Nonsense," says his dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll raise tomorrow from these suckers!"
One more secret Trump is trying to keep: How much are taxpayers paying for his vacations
https://ift.tt/2NaNL34
My friend just told me that he has a third nipple, and he has decided to get surgery to remove it.
He really needed to get it off his chest.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
What do you get when you boil a funny bone?
A laughing stock
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
Mom, what’s dark humor?
Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap. Son: But, Mom! I'm blind! Mom: Exactly.
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
Interactive joke
There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. Remember: 3 stories. The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?" The man went up to the second story and saw his son playing a video game. He told him "You're doing it wrong, you're supposed to-" but the son slapped him, saying "Who's playing? Me or you?" Then he went to the third story and saw his daughter doing homework, and told her "this is the wrong answer" and the daughter slapped him, saying "Who's doing homework? Me or you?" Finally, the man went up to the fourth story. (At this point, hopefully your listener would say "but you said there were only 3 stories!" at which poing you slap him/her and say "Who's telling the joke? Me or you?")
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.
He does a few online courses and begins trading. On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money in his newfound hobby and sticks with it. On the third day, Sting manages a huge profit and decides to reward himself with an expensive Rolls Royce. With his newfound love of trading stocks, Sting decides to put even more of his money into trading, and continues on with it. On the fourth day, high on the previous day's earnings, Sting buys a large amount of unstable stock, putting most of his wealth into it, sure that it is a good wager. The following day a huge news story breaks of embezzlement in the company Sting invested in and its stock drops, losing the musician a huge amount of his money. The following week, he hears a large car pulling into his driveway, and he exits his house to see what this was about. In his driveway he sees a tow truck hooking up to his brand new Rolls Royce, about to be repossessed. "What is going on?" He shouts at the driver and as the driver turns around, he reveals himself to be a Buddhist monk. "A monk?" Sting asks surprisedly. "Why would you be working for a repossession company?" "Well," the monk begins. "You won't believe the amount of karma you can get for repo, Sting."
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona
Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out. This will make sure that a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth. b) nobody will shake hands with you. c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets. d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.
I would like to make chemistry jokes on this subreddit
But all the good ones Argon
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive ?
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
Someone: “If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should’ve been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19”
My response: "144? That's a gross"