Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
You really shouldn’t watch any horror movie today
It may, Fri 10 you.
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelor’s degree.
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
Have you ever tried eating the clock
Its very time consuming
What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?
About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
What do you call a flirty philosoper?
A Socra-tease
Wife: I have to tell you something, I am pregnant.
Husband- Hi Pregnant, I am Dad. Wife- No you're not.
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
Dozen matter.
Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism
Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant
People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.
He didn't listen though.
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
Unique Dildo!
A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" Salesman answers, "$35." Blonde: "How much for the black one?" Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" Salesman: "$35." Black Woman: "How much for the white one?" Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." Black Woman: "Hmmm… I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…" She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." Blonde: "Hmmmmm…, how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo… it'll cost you $165." Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.
The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! " The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! " The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom
Her: I have no idea how the science behind human cloning works.
Me: That makes two of us.
The lockdown is getting to me…
Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.
“I don’t believe it. My son was invited to a sex party.”
"By?" "No, he's straight from what I know."
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
Going into my son’s room is the same as going to Ikea
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
There once was a woman who had 100 children….
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience….
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.