Which one of you mfs been poking me?
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
You can’t see in the dark
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Why do ghosts get so many DUIs
Cuz they're full of BOOS
You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
Seriously… How low can you go?
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children’s home.
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
What did I say when greeting the fashion designer?
"Nice Jimmy Choo."
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
I’m glad you like my tiny candles!
I really needed that votive confidence.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill
By walking… JK rolling
What has a head, a tail, but no body?
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?
Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you.
Horny Husband
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. "Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!" He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. "She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!" His wife was mad, Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!
A priest has a heart attack…
A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being wheeled through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
Observing student-facilitated genetics presentations, this has been my experience:
https://ift.tt/2XM0qgO