Which part of the body is the last to die?
Pupils, coz they dilate.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters! For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
There’s a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
The Greeks invented the threesome
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Did you know that the Soviet Union didn’t have mines?
They only had ours!
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
I’ve been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it’s starting to get serious.
She asked me to move out with her.
My new girlfriend is so needy…
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
The invention of the shovel
Was groundbreaking
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
I just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.