Which Planet doesn’t celebrate Christmas?
The Air Force; they're US AF
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
"Five beers please."
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
A receding hare line.
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
Assistant to the President: Sir, there’s a crisis – somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar’s Up left in existence.
President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me. Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir … President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved! Assistant to the President: Sir … President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie? Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir. President: Rick? Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.
“Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
… But I got a very bad reaction
It was an ether/oar situation.
It got stuck in a crack
They said she had a mean flow.
The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
To be honest even I dont know u choose
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
Kikkoman when he's down, I guess.
But China got it right off the bat
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat. The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog. The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again. Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."
…there will be hell toupee.
He's being smog
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