Which Planet doesn’t celebrate Christmas?
Jewpiter.
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
What’s the time?
11:34 right now
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
I can’t stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
There‘s one less drunk.
Where can you get gas for a $1.49?
Taco Bell.
At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because its cheaper
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me “small penis no problem, small penis no problem”
I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are seeing a marriage counselor… counselor ask’s Mickey, “let me get this straight – you want a divorce because you say Minnie is silly?”
To which Mickey responds “no, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY”
The only thing Flat Earthers fear…
…Is sphere itself.
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
How often do people die in hospitals?
Just once.
A man’s lifelong dream was to meet the pope.
For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy. Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy. The next morning he awoke before the dawn to make his way to Vatican City to meet the pope on his morning walk through his crowd of devout followers. He pushed his way to the front of the crowd, wanting to get as close to the Holy Father as possible. The grand doors opened and the pope emerged, greeting his followers, shaking hands, and offering blessings. The man caught the pope's eye, and the pope smiled and started walking towards him. This was it! He was finally going to get to share words with God's representative on Earth! Just as he was approaching the man, the pope noticed a downtrodden beggar lying in the ditch opposite the man. The pope changed course, made way for the beggar, bent down, and whispered something in the poor man's ear. The beggar nodded, got up, and walked off. The pope, now on the other side of the crowd, continued on away from the man. The man was devastated. He had missed his only chance to fulfill his ultimate dream. As the crowd dispersed, he noticed the beggar in the distance. A plan emerged in his mind. He made his way up to the beggar and said, "Sir, I would like to offer you a trade. I will give you my suit, my boots, and all of the cash in my wallet in exchange for your rags and tattered shoes. I believe this act of humility is my best chance to finally meet the pope." The poor man quickly agreed, of course, and the two men traded clothes. The next morning, the man made his way back to the Vatican and proceeded to lie down in the exact spot the beggar was the day before. The grand doors opened once again, and the pontiff emerged to meet his people. As the pope was walking through the crowd, the man saw that the pope was heading his way! His plan was going to work! Sure enough, the pope came over to him, knelt down and whispered, "I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here yesterday."
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money…
So I got out of bed to look with him…
Jesus at the pearly gates
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
Fuck Keanu Reeves
Well, that’s the plan, anyways
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.