Which state has the smallest drink?
Minnesota.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
A story with a happy ending
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig." “Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.” "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me." "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
![[NSFW]. I hope she gets a clue](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/m8bvpjxqngc31-400x711.jpg)
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
What’s the definition of a Will?
Come on guys! It's a Dead Giveaway!
What award did the inventor of the knock knock joke win?
The No bell prize.
A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.
He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothing to lose, so he hires him. Sure enough, a few days later, the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand. The man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later, the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished; and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can’t just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free, he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk. “It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair,” noted the man. “Why do you do it?” The monk replied, “Religious reasons.” The man then says, “I don’t know much about Buddhism. Why do you need to repair fences?” “Because,” the monk replied, “you would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.”
Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.
What’s the difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
My friend Jay just had twins and wants to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Two conspiracy theorists arrive in heaven
God says to them, “I will tell you anything you want to know” One of the conspiracy theorists asks, “who shot JFK?” God responds, “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone” The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, “this is bigger than we thought”
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..
…to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do." The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…"
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
Two engineering students were walking across campus…
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike." The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
