Which state has the smallest drink?
Minnesota.
What’s big, gray, and makes you jump?
The elephant of surprise.
I was going to post a time travel joke..
But you guys didn't like it.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
20 canibals started working in an IT company
After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that. "No sir" says the head canibal. "OK" says the boss and leaves them be. "Alright" says the head canibal when the boss has left "Who did it?!" "I did!" one of them admits. "You idiot! We've been having fifty different types of manager in the past six months and nobody batted an eye! You had to eat the one person in this office that actually gets any work done!"
#644: A woman goes to buy a parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?" "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!"
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads “GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.”
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an elephant.
Genie: OK, I’m ready for your third wish.
Me: Third? What about the first two? Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!" So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them. Me: Well, OK. I wish I really understood how women think. Genie: Granted. By the way, that was your first wish, too.
At work, I’m known as “Mr. Compromise.”
That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A tractor.
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
It’s really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.
They never get any green cards.
What country never wins or loses
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
Nothing tops a plain pizza.
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