Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity killed them all
Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
No text found
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re scared of Wales
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
I caught my son rubbing banana peels all over him. At first, I was worried. Then I realized it.
He was going to be all ripe.
What happens when you go from a twin size bed to a queen size bed?
you would have more bed room but less bedroom
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants!
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
“On what day will I Die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
Got into a fight with a vending machine
Had to knock some cents into it
I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
Knock knock. Who’s there. Cash.
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
As a landlord, I truly value my easy-going, Chinese food-loving occupants.
They're lo mein tenants.
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?
So the chicken could cross the road
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
I bought coconut shampoo the other day…
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…