While cleaning out our basement I found a whole stock of these books. My dad said they were the shit back in the day and he’s shocked what people considered funny
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run!
Not Enough Candles? No Problem! (Finally Found a Use For Binary In Real World)
https://ift.tt/2LQoHNK
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
The problem with Trump jokes:
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
Do You Know Why They Don’t Have Covid-19 in Antarctica?
Because they are ICE-O-LATED
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Two antennas fall in love and get married on a roof
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
I broke my only hole puncher today
Now I've got two half punchers
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
Life is like a penis,
it’s the women that make it hard
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot.”
You can go from fat to fit
With one good vowel movement
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
A Boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do. He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, “So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half,” The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where’re you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”. “Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager. The boy replied, “There all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota,” the manager said. The boy replied, “Really!? What team did she play for?”
HELP ME I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT 😩
HELP ME I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT 😩
What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
It’s strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education…
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
What do you call a constipated detective
No shit Sherlock
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night
The owner of the shop said, What do you do for a riving? I said, What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian. So the Chinese chap says, Go on then, change color. I said, No. I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian. So then he says, Tell me a joke, make me raff. I said, You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh? Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, Wok. Wok. And he said, Who der?
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
This decision was based on feedback from both users and moderators.If you have any feedback or comments on how the sub is doing, or how it’s being run, please comment below.phone bad
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive…
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
Up next: How to sound good in a band. Stay Tuned!!
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What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
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If Harry decided to take up painting now he’s stepped back from the royal family…
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."