While most puns make me feel numb…
…Math puns make me feel number.
Why did the sun never go to college?
It already has thousands of degrees.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
My wife bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher…
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.
I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one talks about…
…the other four letters?
If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.
I'd have 83 cents
Guy walks into a bar…
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake… He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No … not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"…
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
Her: Did you know Australia has 9 of the world’s 10 deadliest snakes?
Me: Shit! One escaped?
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well…
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
What fruit likes to go down slides?
Ki-Wheeee
Failed to crosspost to r/kidsarefuckingstupid for some reason so here ya go guys
https://ift.tt/2OMnLfw
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.
She said "They're right behind you".
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
What happens when a frog parks illegally?
They get toad.
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
What did the person who got hit by lightning twice say about it?
Since it was so rare to be hit even once, he (or she, since I don't want people to get offended) was quite shocked about it all.
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. “I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee. “Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.” The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?” The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.
A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
Trump congratulates state of Kansas after Chiefs win Super Bowl but they play in Missouri
https://ift.tt/38ZLyQv
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
